I have been going to therapy for the past 6 weeks and have encountered that it helps me let out the stuck feelings and emotions that I don’t really see in the bigger picture unless I vocalise them. My therapist hasn’t really shared anything valuable that adds character or helps me realise bigger underlying problems but I do see the benefit to vocalise my feelings as a release mechanism of the problems that are knotted in my thinking mind. I find it less obstructing to get to the problems because I have softened the way by telling the truth.
During this time I have also found that certain phrases have helped me deviate from my mental state of feeling stuck and unable to think. One of these phrases is “My mind is confused” and it creates a window separation between the ongoing thoughts and the part that observes that cloud of convoluted thoughts that don’t make sense.
I’ve come to find that lately I can recognise the difference between thinking with the mind and allowing my consciousness to step in to allow higher thoughts to filter through to the conscious mind by virtue of saying “I don’t know” or “My mind is confused”. They both work just as fine and help one another. These are the practices I’m implementing to combat the current of thoughts that have no control and are out of whack which don’t allow me to feel my emotions or any motion whatsoever.
The stuck feeling of having thoughts overpower my sense of will is so heavy that brings me down in my mind, thought and feeling and I still don’t differentiate between knowing what course of action drives me higher to where I connect with my emotions and what keeps me down without visibility to reach high. It’s like I have to make a strenuous effort to do something that can bring high spirits but without a course of feeling that gets me there. It’s more like I have to force it on me to feel it as I do it and when it begins to happen I don’t recognise it for what it is because it begins to make my heart beat faster and my hands go cold where I feel like I cannot house and control the energy that’s being unleashed let alone harness it to see what it can do for me.
Being driven by feeling leaves me empty and disoriented to feel like I cannot do anything else other than to complete the task to feel satisfaction but as I’m doing it I don’t feel ideas so much as I do inspiration which takes shape as I explore when I repeat the phrase “I don’t know” in my head. This is what begins to bring new actions that create forms of creativity that I wasn’t planning to do. In other words my creativity creates itself by the chance of following what I feel in that moment and that could be an idea that is only present at that instant in time. Once it fades, it leaves no mark of memory. And this happens every time I feel pushed to sit down and create things that I have no idea about how to create or what I want to create in concrete form,
The more I feel this intuition the less heavy the thoughts that (I do not see but that are there) push me down have an effect on me. Instead I feel that a reverse effect begins to take place to undo all of the clotted thought forms in my right hemisphere which now has expanded, during moments, to the left side of my hemispheres, back and body which is only unveiling that the baggage carried inside is still heavy and loaded and it is a slow process to undo it and create a continuous flow of energy that accelerates and that drives me higher.
The thought to start something brings me down too because it is like I’m challenging the current status of the heavy load that’s weighing down on me and that I internally almost see no purpose to lift it down because in wearing out it creates this feeling of high spirits that I find hard to channel and if that feeling was to subside I would feel depressed and I don’t like to think of the possibility of feeling depressed.
What I do know, with an internal discrepancy on opposing this as a truth, is that following this positive feeling of creativity clears the blockage of everything that’s weighing me down and what’s more it opens the door to exploring the things that weigh me down with clarity to make strategies to defeat them and win in the long run.
Also, moving from one positive task to another also makes me create a feeling of repulsion in that I don’t want to move to another task because I feel I deserve a break and I just want to rest but the trap of resting is that that feeling of being weighed down starts and Is difficult to clear path to see the positive acting after which defeats the purpose of resting. It’s almost as if it wants me on my feet all day every day doing things that rejoice my heart and that pumps me up to find new experiences that lift me higher.
I dentifyin what weighs me down is the challenge that I’m trying to resolve but so far the only solution I’ve found is to move to a place where the high spirits can come in and that is by moving towards following my intuition without questioning the outcome, just follow it.